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Post by Whirlwynd on Jul 17, 2015 16:36:01 GMT -6
 This is a story I've been waffling about what to do with for years and I really just want to get it out there because I feel like it's one of my best pieces. Right now it still needs a lot of work, though. So I’m posting each chapter as I finish re-editing it. Critique is encouraged. I’ll post specific questions about things that concern me at the end of each chapter. Consider this a beta version. I won’t be actively advertising it now, but if you are compelled to share it I won’t be unhappy about it. I don't want to give an overarching summary because I'm interested in the views of people who don't know where the beginning is leading. The end of each chapter has specific questions and concerns I have about the story. |
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Post by Whirlwynd on Jul 20, 2015 18:47:41 GMT -6
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TheDayAfterYesterday
Apprentice Member
When the game ends, the pawn and the king go into the same box
Posts: 118
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Post by TheDayAfterYesterday on Jul 22, 2015 8:11:56 GMT -6
As background knowledge of myself, before addressing your concerns, I've only read
a small amount of books which excludes educational/school books. I can't say the exact number, but I read between two to five books every year.
It doesn't surprise me, since I'm reading a book on how to "triple" my reading speed/wpm(words per minute). My favorite type of books are usually
narrated in a first person perspective, the genre being adventure, drama, or action. Nevertheless, sharing stories and ideas is great.
Questions:
1) "this might be too heavy for an opening chapter":
I was able to follow along with the story until the near end, but I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, so I have to agree that it was indeed "heavy".
2) "Is there too much description, does it drag?":
There was a good bit of anticipation when it came to putting emphasis on the surface she was on. More examples about the overall area would of been nice.
Most of the terms were so descriptive, that I had to look up their definition. I didn't experience any drag, but it felt like it skipped at the near end.
3) "Is it confusing at all":
Just a little bit, more information about the location, during the beginning, and what happened after encountering the ________ would of helped.
Thanks for reading this and I hope it helps, if not I'll try to do better next time.
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Post by letzshake on Jul 22, 2015 16:22:56 GMT -6
I don't think the chapter really dragged at all. Description is bad when the action is halted in favor of it, but I think you kept the story moving at a pretty good pace throughout. I also think you have a good mix of descriptive adjectives/nouns/verbs (you don't just use a bunch of adjectives). However, there may be room to remove some description of the more mundane things after Faye has "woken up", or to avoid reiterating descriptions of things in the "nightmare". That said, repeating descriptions is a good way of bringing attention to them, and I don't actually see a lot of verbose description in Faye's room. *shrug*
I agree with TheDayAfterYesterday that the surrounding area of the beginning could possibly use a bit more description, and not just the rain and ground, although understandably you seemed to have been going for a sort of foggy, claustrophobic darkness. I felt just the right amount of confused, and the chapter served as a pretty good hook, although "waking up from a nightmare" might be a little bit familiar and inconsequential for an opening (but good for foreshadowing, and, in this case, a little world building?)
I'm hoping the next chapter strays a bit away from a morning-to-daily-routine-while-we-meet-characters ordeal, because lots of stories tend to start this way and it could kind of suck away all the intrigue from the prologue.
Anyway, I regret not reading that immediately cuz it was pretty good!!
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Post by Whirlwynd on Jul 27, 2015 18:47:40 GMT -6
Hey, thanks for reading! Both of your feedback is very helpful. TheDayAfterYesterday, good to know about the skipping, that was an issue in the last draft. Letzshake, you understand pretty well what I'm going for in this chapter and that is also helpful to know. =)
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Post by Whirlwynd on Aug 4, 2015 12:00:05 GMT -6
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Post by Whirlwynd on Jun 7, 2016 12:21:37 GMT -6
So in case you hadn't heard, this is going to be animated, which means no more written chapters will be posted. Episode 1 targeted for September.  |
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TheDayAfterYesterday
Apprentice Member
When the game ends, the pawn and the king go into the same box
Posts: 118
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Post by TheDayAfterYesterday on Jun 8, 2016 14:41:49 GMT -6
Is this your first adaptation from book to animation? Is that a female detective flying over a city, in search for a good view of the sunrise?
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Post by Whirlwynd on Jun 12, 2016 10:27:48 GMT -6
This will be my third, though I never finished the first two. She is a sort of a detective!
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